“What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.” ~Haruki Murakami
“What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.” ~Haruki Murakami
“Duality is essentially the state of separation — it is the opposite of reality”.
This question of duality. What does it mean? Good vs Bad. God vs Satan. To be or Not to be. If I am feeling one way, do you feel the opposite? Can both states co-exist? If so, is that just called acceptance? So, Duality vs Acceptance! Does that make sense?
I hope your day is as you wish it to be and/or you are taking steps to care for yourself in loving and kind ways. I wanted to take this opportunity to share some compilation of thoughts that I may have shared before. I hope it is helpful.
It is becoming apparent to me as I continue to help people with the issues that bring them to counseling that there are at least three areas to concentrate upon when developing more resilience to symptoms of depression, anger and anxiety.
The first area is related to cognition. Cognition has to do with our thoughts and beliefs and manifests in the words we say to ourselves. So many times, we aren’t even aware of our self-talk. Yet, self-talk has a powerful influence on our emotions and behaviors. In the book I recommend, SOS for Emotions by Dr. Lynn Clark we learn about the ABC’s of emotions. Think of this as a math equation. A + B = C. When we start defining these variables we think of A as Activating Event. Life is a series of activating events really. Things happen. Life is happening, and we are reacting to events constantly. We respond to what goes on around us. Everything that goes on in our natural environment any place we are at any given moment. Coping with the emotions and behaviors that get triggered by our thoughts and beliefs is what we are doing. This variable “A” reminds me of the “Serenity Poem” written by Reinhold Niebuhr. It goes like this:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
There are several more stanzas in the poem. You can find it on the internet if you google it. I figure that in relation to variable “A” in the ABC’s of emotions, that if we have “things” that happen to us, i.e. “activating events”, if we have the ability to change the event from one thing to another we can do that and often do so without giving it much thought. It is the things we cannot control, therefore, cannot change that give us trouble.
The trouble we have can be illustrated in this ABC’s of emotion equation as we define the variable “C” as consequences. The outcome or consequence in this model is both behavioral and emotional. Behavior and emotion are related, and one cannot be present without the other. Think about sadness for example as an emotion. There is sometimes predictable behavior that is matched with sadness. If someone is sad we can often tell from their behavior. They may move slowly, lower their head or cry. If someone is angry we can usually tell this too from behavior. Behaviors don’t have to be expressed congruently however because some people will smile when they are angry. The behavior of smiling doesn’t logically fit the emotion of anger, yet the two are connected. The behavior and the emotion are connected and that is the point of this illustration.
So, if we agree that events trigger emotions and behaviors, in other words “A” leads to “C”, then we may consider this question. If “C”, or the outcome or consequence of behaviors and emotions are not helpful to us or are causing us life problems or issues because of the intensity and we can’t do much about “A”, events, because life just happens and if we can change things, we will (Serenity Poem), then the only variable we have left to change to get a different outcome in “C”, will be the variable “B”.
“B” in the ABC’s of emotions equations stands for “beliefs” and, also involves thoughts and self-talk. In the SOS book we learn about words that make up our self-talk that the author refers to as “Hot Links”. They are word such as: should, must, have-to, always, never and are connecting thoughts such as “he/she must”, “they must or have to”, “I always or never”, “the world must…”, etc. and often end with statements like “I can’t stand it”, “I have to change it”, etc. What we can do to soften these self-statements is change these hot link words to preferences and wishes and back that up with the statement that we can stand it. The SOS book suggests an adjustment in our cognition from absolute and black and white thinking to something softer such as “I wish/prefer that things were not the way they are, but they are the way they are (acceptance from the Serenity Prayer) and I can stand it. This reframe can soften our emotions and our behavior can become milder and even more manageable. Cognition, or thinking, is taken for granted and happens fast but if we can slow things down we can learn to manage our thinking. This is referred to as meta-cognition: or “thinking about thinking”. It really can be considered a higher level of thinking and its practice can help us manage our minds before our minds manage us. Thus, the rest of the title of the SOS book “Managing Anger, Anxiety and Depression”.
As I said early in this post, there are at least three areas we can concentrate on making improvements to so we can respond with more resilience, or, gain the ability to cope with, depression, anxiety and anger more effectively.
The second area has to do with a mindfulness approach while learning how to increase the space between stimulus and response. -Victor Frankl, holocaust survivor said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In the book Forward Facing Trauma Therapy by J. Eric Gentry PhD, the author discusses the concept of “poly-vagal theory”. It sounds complicated, but I will try to explain it as the idea that we can learn to calm ourselves and dial back our emotional and behavioral responses when it is beneficial to ourselves and our environment to do so. We need some time and extra space to actually change our variable “B” in the ABCs of emotions model. Things happen so fast between A and C that we just have to slow things down to address B. In that space between stimulus or A and response or C, we have the opportunity to create the change that promotes our emotional growth and behavioral freedom.
The poly vagal theory was introduced in 1994 by Dr. Stephen Porges, director of the Brain-Body Center at the University of Illinois at Chicago and the author of FFTT utilizes it to describe how we can understand our autonomic nervous system. Our ANS governs two nervous system responses. One is call sympathetic nervous system and the other is called para-sympathetic nervous system. Very simply, the sympathetic nervous system is what is triggered when we respond instinctively to some sort of threat to our physical or emotional well being or safety. We get into fight, flight, freeze or fawn (people pleasing) as an automatic response in order for survival. We can learn, according to Gentry and others, to manage our relaxation response which is governed by our para sympathetic nervous system. We intelligent human beings have the capacity to self-regulate on a conscious level according to the poly vagal theory.
Deliberate activities such as deep breathing and relaxation are what we can do in that space between stimulus and response in order to be able to consciously address our faulty cognitions or belief and self talk so we can change the outcome in behaviors and emotions and grow and experience freedom from the effects of anger, anxiety and depression.
The third area of concentration for resilience has to do with self-acceptance. As I often say these days, the mind is where the misery is. I think that is because the mind has been created for us to be able to discern and judge in order to protect us yet it can be so in control that it tends to judge “us” in black or white, right and wrong ways which end up combining with ways we may have been judged by others and even society and expectations from outside of us within our families and environments. In the Sounds True series called The Self-Acceptance Project over 20 presenters take on the challenge of accepting ourselves. Self-acceptance is at the core of self-esteem. One main theme that stood out for me from listening to this series is that our mind is only trying to help us and its mission is strong and unwavering and is something we can depend on to continue working exactly as it has been designed to work from our creation. As we take the time in the space between stimulus and response to address our mind we ought to also love it as it was created, yet, gently use our higher level of consciousness or metacognitive abilities to assure our discerning and necessarily judgmental minds that our adult and assertive selves have things under control.
In closing, I offer these three resources to you again. SOS for Emotions by Dr. Lynn Clark, Forward Facing Trauma Therapy by J. Eric Gentry Phd and The Self Acceptance Project series by SoundsTrue.com as resources to utilize to gain and master more resilience in the areas of cognition (thinking), mindfulness or relaxation and slowing things down, and finally recognizing the importance of self-acceptance. I believe concentrating on incorporating these ideas into your lives will result in developing more resilience to symptoms of depression, anger and anxiety.
I look forward to hearing from you.
I don’t like labels. Especially diagnosis type labels because they seemed so hopeless. I learned so much about these diagnosis type labels during my education and so far short career as a mental health provider. Labels like attachment personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, Etc. I have listened to and studied some pretty significant thinkers and authors currently contributing to our knowledge base about ourselves. People like Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Ross Rosenberg, Leo Gurra. Others such as Eckhart Tolle, Joel Osteen, Andy Stanley, Dan Siegel, Byron Katie and other people who have helped me and supported my inner truth.
Something significant that I’ve come to realize is that ego death is related directly to spiritual growth. Whether you’re talking about dying to self like Christians talk about, or the ego death that occurs when you are enlightened as in experiences with medicinal plants or a psychedelic experience geared toward enlightenment, it is still an awareness that has to occur that if we don’t learn to control our minds our minds will control us and it’s in the mind where misery exists.
I had a spiritual experience in my 30s where my mind went to a place of nothingness two different times and spontaneously. Perhaps it was brought on by depression and stress but none the less it happened and I told a psychotherapist about it. Thankfully the psychotherapist just validated the experience for me and also said that many people try to get to that place their whole lives. It’s been in the last few years that this experience has resurfaced in my memory largely due to my involvement in a relationship that has truly challenged my spiritual nature and what I believe and how I relate to myself as a human being. Whether I have been or not truly, I feel as though I’ve been a victim of spiritual abuse. I am not sure entirely if I have been abusing myself spiritually. I may just be blaming myself like a good codependent. Nonetheless I am in agreement now that I have been involved in a narcissistic- love addicted relationship that has helped me wake up to the idea that ego is involved. Two years ago I wrote my first post on here about, relationship patterns as compared to some more spiritual relationship patterns. What has evolved for me since then is a belief that these relationship patterns are two sides to the same coin. I believe I laid some groundwork for my belief in that paper I wrote back then. Now I am more convinced that the emotional wounds that create a wounded ego is at the core of attachment disorders such as any personality disorder. And personality disorders are at the root of dysfunctional relationships. And that the root of all dysfunctional relationships is the Wounded ego. The antidote to the wounded ego has to be death of the ego. That is Ultimate Surrender to the universe, higher power, God, nothingness, Infinity, enlightenment. We simply have to get to a higher level of thinking, a higher order of awareness in order to heal from these emotional wounds that we either bring into this life or that get created in this life.
I am thankful for my journey and I know it’s not over yet.