I don’t like labels. Especially diagnosis type labels because they seemed so hopeless. I learned so much about these diagnosis type labels during my education and so far short career as a mental health provider. Labels like attachment personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, Etc. I have listened to and studied some pretty significant thinkers and authors currently contributing to our knowledge base about ourselves. People like Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Ross Rosenberg, Leo Gurra. Others such as Eckhart Tolle, Joel Osteen, Andy Stanley, Dan Siegel, Byron Katie and other people who have helped me and supported my inner truth.
Something significant that I’ve come to realize is that ego death is related directly to spiritual growth. Whether you’re talking about dying to self like Christians talk about, or the ego death that occurs when you are enlightened as in experiences with medicinal plants or a psychedelic experience geared toward enlightenment, it is still an awareness that has to occur that if we don’t learn to control our minds our minds will control us and it’s in the mind where misery exists.
I had a spiritual experience in my 30s where my mind went to a place of nothingness two different times and spontaneously. Perhaps it was brought on by depression and stress but none the less it happened and I told a psychotherapist about it. Thankfully the psychotherapist just validated the experience for me and also said that many people try to get to that place their whole lives. It’s been in the last few years that this experience has resurfaced in my memory largely due to my involvement in a relationship that has truly challenged my spiritual nature and what I believe and how I relate to myself as a human being. Whether I have been or not truly, I feel as though I’ve been a victim of spiritual abuse. I am not sure entirely if I have been abusing myself spiritually. I may just be blaming myself like a good codependent. Nonetheless I am in agreement now that I have been involved in a narcissistic- love addicted relationship that has helped me wake up to the idea that ego is involved. Two years ago I wrote my first post on here about, relationship patterns as compared to some more spiritual relationship patterns. What has evolved for me since then is a belief that these relationship patterns are two sides to the same coin. I believe I laid some groundwork for my belief in that paper I wrote back then. Now I am more convinced that the emotional wounds that create a wounded ego is at the core of attachment disorders such as any personality disorder. And personality disorders are at the root of dysfunctional relationships. And that the root of all dysfunctional relationships is the Wounded ego. The antidote to the wounded ego has to be death of the ego. That is Ultimate Surrender to the universe, higher power, God, nothingness, Infinity, enlightenment. We simply have to get to a higher level of thinking, a higher order of awareness in order to heal from these emotional wounds that we either bring into this life or that get created in this life.
I am thankful for my journey and I know it’s not over yet.