Twin Flame or Love Addiction or Common Relationship Pattern
By Beverly Vanover
Here is my theory of relating the twin flame theory to the classic love addict-avoidant relationship. In the love addict-avoidant relationship, one can easily see the pursuer-distancer pattern. The terms chaser and runner noted in the twin flame theory sounds like the pursuer-distancer pattern. The twin flame theory sets up the ideal pursuer-distancer/chaser-runner/love addict -avoidant scenario. Each conscious party of the soulmate or twin flame union is by default the pursuer/chaser/love addict (P/C/LA). Conversely, each “other half” of the soulmate or twin flame union is the consummate distancer/runner/avoidant (D/R/A).
The persistent P/C/LA desires oneness, merger, security, safety and acceptance, with the D/R/A. The P/C/LA is attracted to self contained individuals who appear strong, and stable, likely characteristics of the D/R/A.
Some likely behaviors of the P/C/LA are pursuing the next relationship before breaking up with the D/R/A, idealizing and obsessing about the D/R/A, and fighting off anger over feeling abandoned, or unrequited.
The likely processes of the P/C/LA relationship with the D/R/A are entering a fantasy filled period, with this accepting person (my other half, after all), feeling high but denying how unavailable the D/R/A is. Exasperated, the P/C/LA may begin other affairs, engaging in addictive sex, or start a new relationship. Although, their self esteem is crashing, the P/C/LA tolerates a dependent existence. The P/C/LA must to learn to face their fear in order to become independent.
The D/R/A does not desire connection that is close. The twin flame other half theory fulfills this goal of not getting too close because, well, to embrace the theory one must accept the idea that a reunion probably won’t occur, the P/C/LA just feels the “pull”. In theory, in past lives or future lives the halves would be united, but not in the current life. The D/R/A is attracted to individuals who provide most of the intimacy and enthusiasm for both parties – the perfect job for the P/C/LA (fueled by the pull).
A characteristic behavior of the D/R/A involves poor boundaries. They have a hard time saying no (that’s the magic glue that keeps the P/C/LA stuck), and that inability exudes ambivalence.
The likely processes of the D/R/A relationship with the P/C/LA include traditional romantic interest, but the D/R/A ultimately enters the relationship because the P/C/LA provides most of the “intimate energy” (also a likely characteristic of the twin flame half that is “aware”). As the P/C/LA wants more and more attention the D/R/A attempts to please by giving it to them–at least at first(the twin flame who is “aware”- P/C/LA- would always expect their other half to please them). Eventually, the D/R/A feels the enmeshment (or being pursued or chased and/or the neediness of the P/C/LA), becomes critical and eventually backs off from the relationship or abandons it. Yet, the D/R/A may think the relationship has failed and will sometimes get involved with affairs or even addictive behaviors in an attempt to distance, distract, or numb out.
The D/R/A may return to a relationship with P/C/LA out of guilt or even fear of being totally alone (the pull feels fruitless), or moves on to connect with another (love addict) only to repeat, repeat, repeat.
There is hope for the love addict. The love addict must be willing to be vulnerable with an emotionally healthy person who loves them. There is hope for the avoidant. The avoidant must pick one person to love and become vulnerable with someone who is emotionally healthy. Both the love addict and the avoidant must endure being afraid and uncomfortable in order to get the intimacy they crave.